My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
