turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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