I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
me + whiskey = a bad person
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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