weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
