i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
