i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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