Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
