fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
