I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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