Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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