my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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