Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
