I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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