Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
