based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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