Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize