he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
