Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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