apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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