It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
did you just send me my own nude
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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