Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
