his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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