Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
