Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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