dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
