Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
