if you like me you must not know who I am
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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