I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
