Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
