last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
