a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
