The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
