Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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