The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
