living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
