i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize