if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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