when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
