Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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