she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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