Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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