i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
