Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
