So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You were trust falling into bushes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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