Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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