oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize