Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize