Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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