i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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