I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
