Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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