Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
