don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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