Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
