thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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