i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
