conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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