My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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