I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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