He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize